[*Ed. note: Ravi's currently writing from London, so we'll let that slide.]

Fake journalism: on May 11, 2003, the New York Times published a 7,239 word article on the frauds that Jayson Blair, a staff reporter, perpetrated while under their banner. Here's how they summed up his misdeeds:

He fabricated comments. He concocted scenes. He lifted material from other newspapers and wire services. He selected details from photographs to create the impression he had been somewhere or seen someone, when he had not.

Those fabrications encompassed the DC sniper story, and the saga of private Jessica Lynch among 600 other pieces he wrote or contributed to. The scandal went to the top — it led to the resignation of executive editor Howell Raines. Blair is now a life coach. Which leads nicely on to:

Fake jobs: 'Life coach' is a job that can exist only in a decade with not one but two economic bubbles, and the frantic prosperity they led to. The job — which is basically therapy given by those with no qualifications — garners over 42 million results on Google. Creative coach gets almost 27 million. Accountant, to put that in perspective, gets 31 million. Even those at the top of their fields, like Tony Robbins, who's even given a TED talk, have wound up in court for misrepresenting the impact of their nice words and quizzes. This year three people died when self-help 'guru' James Arthur Ray forced them to sit in a sweltering hot tent as a 'spiritual ceremony'. Also: The Secret is bullshit. If you want something, go out and work for it. Thinking about it doesn't affect the universe. Thanks.

Fake religion: It is a small step from there to a full-blown fake religion. A fact illustrated by the rise, in column inches at least, of Scientology in the last decade — fuelled by celebrity followers like Tom Cruise, Will Smith and John Travolta. The religion (or cult, or fraudulent pyramid scheme, depending on your point of view) is like a satire on a religion. Sci-fi author L. Ron Hubbard made up a bunch of tenets and a lot of jargon and now vulnerable people like Tom Cruise spend millions on upholding and promoting his ideas. Here's the religion in a nutshell: an evil galactic overlord named Xenu flew his followers to earth in DC-8 aircraft, trapped them in volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their spirits now stick to us and are the cause of human problems. Thus psychology and psychiatry are evil, and the only way to happiness is to spend hundreds of thousands to 'clear' yourself of these spirits. Fake.

Fake prosperity: what's almost more interesting than the multi-billion dollar fraud Bernie Madoff perpetrated are the many other alleged Ponzi-schemers coming out of the woodwork in Indiana (Tim Durham, pictured above with friend Ludacris) or Florida or wherever else. It seems that the idea of living a lifestyle based on nothing but plausibility — nice literature, offices full of Eames chairs and a convincing tone of voice — was a pervasive one. It's too easy to use this as a metaphor for the wider economy. Which is why I'm going to. It goes hand in hand with:

Fake celebrity: We are now so inured to pointless celebrities that this barely seems like a category — it's more like the definition of celebrity has just been widened. But a look at some of the biggest figures of the last ten years is a sobering one. Will we really tell our grandchildren that we were there when Paris Hilton got done for drink driving? How will we define her role? Heiress? Singer? Celebrity is the only word that covers it. And it's become fake.

Fake television: reality TV is not real. But the people who are desperate to get on it are, and they perpetrated their own fakeness in an attempt to become fake celebrities in a giant loop of fakeness. The Heene family captivated the media (us very much included) when they pretended their son had been swept aloft in a giant balloon. The Salahis captivated the media (us very much included) when it was revealed that their gatecrashing the White House was the last in a long line of frauds and switches they'd pulled. Both sets of people were involved with the murky world of reality TV — and producers vowed to vet their 'characters' more carefully in future. We bet they won't.

Fake faces: the desire to look young is not new. But this decade had Botox — its own unique version of the creams, lotions and surgeries that have been around since ancient Man looked at his or her reflection in a still pool and thought 'fuck! crow's feet!'. Directors like Martin Scorsese and Baz Luhrmann, as well as many casting directors, went as far as to publicly say they were sick of actors who could not move their faces. While there is no evidence that high profile stars like Nicole Kidman have had botox, we have used our (still expressive) eyes and come to the following conclusion — Nicole Kidman, a talented actor, can no longer move her face. She is not alone.

Fake athletes: injections of a different kind plagued sports. Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Manny Ramirez succumbed to steroids in baseball. And persistent rumours of less-detectable HGH use plagued countless more athletes. Even Tiger Woods' doctor was found to be involved.

Fake political outrage: do we really care if our politicians sleep around? No, we just find their hypocrisy funny. Is Sarah Palin really mortally wounded every time someone criticizes her? Almost certainly not. Is Fox News actually incensed every time something they don't like happens? No. (Glenn Beck is, we think being serious, which is worrying in a different way.) How about, for 2010—2020, we accept that people are flawed and horny, and stop the outrage-fest. That is not to say that we won't continue to laugh at dumb things politicians do. But to pretend that there's some higher moral reason for covering these stories, and call for resignations every five minutes, is immoral. Um, not immoral. Bad. Wrong. Fuck. It's hard to stop condemning things.

Fake top tens: Because no-one reads top nines. And we like to be meta.

Christmas almost came early this year for Mashable's Ben Parr. Ben, you've got to tell us who this was. Pay the gift forward.

And dysfunctional family recriminations came early this holiday season for recently departed Wall Street Journal reporter Rebecca Dana.

Listen people, when you see Matt Cutts of Google — yes, that Matt Cuts — in the supermarket, or maybe at Cannes, or just straight bathing in groupie adulation by the pool, remember to just be cool, like it's not a huge emotional deal for you. Resist the urge to take his picture and sell it for six figures to OK!.

Somewhere in this tweet, about a no-doubt fascinating conversation between a woman blessed by genetics and familial luck into a lifetime of opulent wealth, and a rapper who overcame a childhood in the ghetto and repeated music industry swindles by dint of sheer hard work, determination and musical aptitude — somewhere in that exchange at a record executive's holiday party is a full book, if not a movie. Just try and imagine how this might have gone, dialog wise.

It takes literally decades to work up to a passively braggy tweet of this caliber. Watch Arianna and learn.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• In Morocco, nobody can hear you scream. Actually, in Morocco, Jennifer Aniston is the biggest thing since sliced bread. Apparently, she was there for a week, and she got into a car with Orlando Bloom, and there was "breathless speculation" about romance. That said, this woman couldn't get into a car with a Clydesdale and a brass instrument without sparking breathless speculation about romance between the three of them. Her vagina must have some kind of magical property to it, or it must be some kind of unspoken Hollywood male birthright: If you don't touch this vagina, you will never be in contention for People's Sexiest Man Alive. Robert Pattinson's at least given her a foot massage. At least. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• The Daily News didn't have any good gossip items today, so instead they ran two pages about how Jake Gyllenhaal is a "jack of all trades" or something. They go very out of their way to assure us that him and Reese are definitely dating, and that his two new movies—the melodrama with Natalie Portman about whatever with Tobey Maguire, and Prince of Persia, where he gets to dress in clothing Tom Cruise only dreams about wearing in public—are very different. Sometimes, I just want to knock over the Daily News gossip page. Nothing else, just "knock over." [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• OKAY. OMG. OMG. You can't be serious right now. Crackface Courtney Love ran into DJ Qualls at 1OAK when they were both clubbing on Thanksgiving eve. Qualls and Love ended up making out, and then they went to a strip club together. Yes, you know who DJ Qualls is. This dude. Always ending up in crazypants situations like that, isn't he? Related: JESUS Page Six you are the best. Sometimes, you just make me want to knock over the Daily News gossip pages. Nothing, just "knock over." [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Years of wearing comically oversized stiletto heels that she uses to make the bouncy dog toy otherwise known as her husband David Beckham squeak has left Victoria "Ground Cumin" Beckham in need of foot surgery to remove bunions. Ah, yes, bunions. I can think of nothing sexier for Becks and Posh's image than some bunions. That oughta help. [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Somehow, Lindsay Lohan can still afford a dickhead security crew, because there was one ready to erase any pictures the lead singer of Cobra Starship had on his phone after he snapped away at Lohan getting trashed at Hudson Terrace. He was the DJ there, but Lohan's security people could care less. Because, like Lohan, they're clueless assholes. This is how you win back the love of the people, Lohan. Truly. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Michael Phelps has dated not one but two Miss California ladypeople. Which is two more Miss California ladypeople than everyone else gets to date. The plot, however, thickens: Phelps dated Carrie Prejean at one point. The entire subtext behind all reporting of this fact is: we hope they made a sex tape. I...can't argue with that sentiment. Also, I hope she didn't suck any of Phelps' brain cells by osmosis. That wouldn't be nice. [NYDN]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Who eats at The Waverly Inn on Thanksgiving? Try Martin Scorsese and Oliver Stone on for size. Yeah, these two guys, who do all the movies about the crooks and the psychopaths and the sociopaths, guess where they have dinner on Thanksgiving? Yes, The Waverly Inn. Of course. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• So, J-Lo's sex tape is coming out and before we go any further, am I allowed to submit a name for this? Is Jenny From The Cock too vile? Yes, it kind of is. Okay. We can just go with Gigli. That's not vile. Anyway: J-Lo's sex tape is on its way out and it might involve spanking of some kind. Yeah: spanking. Great. Can you tell how underwhelmed I am by this? Normal celebrity sex tapes are just so passe, nahmean? I want to hear about the DJ Qualls/Courtney Love sex tape. Hear about, not necessarily watch. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• File Under: Happy Families You Never Thought Would Be Happy. Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith saw West Side Story with, like, 15 people. And then they had lunch. This is the kind of reporting you won't get from the New York Times (and especially not the Daily News): "Banderas, who had missed breakfast and lunch, ordered two entrees and finished them both." Revelations. [Page Six]
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Paris Hilton opened her mouth to talk about what a tomboy she is. Yes, because if there's anything a straight guy loves to do, it's dress in pink, carry around small dogs, and blow Rick Salomon on camera. Paris Hilton, there are tomboys out there who flinch at that distinction. For them: don't. People called this a "style revelation" or something. I want to drill a hole in my face. [People]

Did you guys all have a good Thanksgiving? I hope so. It's good to know that some people, however beleaguered time and time again by the mystical forces of love in the universe, will not back down. Jennifer Aniston, for example. If I'd put the good money on her still making the top of the gossip roundup before there was a gossip roundup, I would've lost it. Anyway: This jam goes out to her, and you all. I hope you bought tons of useless wonderful things yesterday and stimulated our economy and hopefully those useless wonderful things will go to wonderful, resilient people. Like Jennifer Aniston! See how I did that? Neither do I.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin.]

The celebrity well has run so dry that we are now stuck doing this? Would the editors of this mag ask, "Is Angelina Jolie scary skinny because of this drawing? Should we be worried about her weight?" No, we fucking shouldn't because it's a really bad drawing! But seriously, here we are comparing a doodle of Nicole Ritchie with a sketch of Paris Hilton and Amy Winehouse. While we're at it, why don't we talk about how Smurfette never changes her outfit, how Dora the Explorer is looking a little tubby or the diet Wonder Woman used to get back in shape. We wish we had the print edition of this magazine so we could throw it across the room.

• Carla Bruni has agreed to appear in a Woody Allen film, which will mark the singer and French first lady's first acting role. During an interview on a French TV show she said that she doesn't know what role she'll play, but she said yes anyway. "I'd like to - you know - when I'm a grandmother, to have done a Woody Allen film. I cannot in my life miss an opportunity like this." So, how does she think she'll do in front of the camera? "I'm not at all an actress. Maybe I'll be absolutely terrible," she says. We're no huge fans of Woody Allen, but we think that this idea is the opposite of terrible—unless she ends up playing Woody's love interest. That would the terrible. [UKPA]
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• Nadya Suleman is the tabloid gift that keeps on giving. While promoting "documentary" OctoMom: Me & My Fourteen Kids (I love how calling a reality show a documentary somehow dignifies it?) she explains that she open to having more children ("If I get married one day...") and that, after realizing she was pregnant with octuplets, she refused to selectively reduce the embryos, "Because which one should I have murdered? Noah? Isaiah? You know, Jonah?" Apparently the kids know that not-murder isn't actually that great, because there's a clip of one of the kids nailing her in the face with a screwdriver. Forget Nadya—the documentary I want to see is what happens when these kids grow up and attempt to make their way in the world with the curse of Suleman hanging over their heads. They should really consider changing their names. [HuffPo]
• 
  
• What are you doing New Year's, New Year's Eve? Well a bunch of singers are making significant bank. Rihanna is raking in $500K for a performance in Abu Dhabi. The gig is a make good for a May concert date that she had to cancel thanks to Chris Brown's fists. Alicia Keys is only have the woman Rihanna is, or at least her salary is. She will only make $250K for a concert here in New York. Also in town will be Green Day performing live on NBC. Nicole Ritchie and Joel Madden will be hosting a party in Vegas, and so will Christina Aguilera. It's good to know where all the losers will be on December 31. If you want to find they gays, they'll be in Miami, where Lady Gaga is rumored to ring in the new year in some ridiculous get up. [P6]
• 
  
• Now that Rosie O'Donnell's breakup from her partner is public, she says that she is not enjoying the single life. No wonder, because her escort to her annual charity gala Rosie's Broadway Extravaganza was her 15-year son, Parker. It's like the opposite of taking your mom to the prom. [People]
• 
  
• One little comment comparing your boss to Hitler, and your invite to the company Christmas party gets lost in the mail! Megan Fox was conspicuously absent at Michael Bay's Transformers reunion. On a related note, I still think she should've gone with the Hitler SNL monologue. (Hitler, outraged: Why did you compare me to Michael Bay?) Not like she's going to win these guys back, anyway. [P6]
• 
  
• Paris Hilton and her boyfriend Doug Reinhardt are moving out of their Hollywood home because they neighbors complained about their partying ways. Where are they going? No one knows. Please say it's New York. Pretty please! [TMZ]
• 
  
• Everyone hates Usher's new girlfriend. His mom and his record label both want her gone. As for the rest of us, we could care less what Usher does and with whom. [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• Courtney Love went to Scores and didn't even take a spin on the stripper pole. You can never go home again. [P6]
• 
  
• Zac Efron is so cute. Even though he's a star, he still gets impressed by celebs like Zac Posen and Amber Rose. And they're not even famous. He would probably wet himself if Tom Cruise walked into the room. He also said he loved kissing Claire Danes for his new movie because she's "a very pretty lady." So are you, Zac. So are you. [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• Looks like the Pussycat Dolls are done for good. Thank Christ! [P6]
• 
  
• There's no new column from gossip dowager Cindy Adams. Is she dead? Someone better stop by her apartment and check on her.

[Gawker night editor Azaria Jagger wrote the funnier parts of this round up]

Where so recently we were awash in underage pole-dancing and the image of our national icons teetering on edge of self-immolation, now they demurely stand to the side, giving us space to pity them while hip hops stars try in vain to steal their thunder.

After years of seeing Parish Hilton and her set push our culture to the brink of armageddon, can it be that we have really stepped back from the precipice?

Some evidence that the tide has truly turned:

• It has been nearly a year since we've had any big crazy mega-story on the level of Paris' arrest, Britney's hair cropping or Lindsay's initial lurch into insanity.
• Paris Hilton has been in a quiet tabloid-free relationship for months, and her biggest play for the media spotlight has been releasing a new shampoo line.
• Britney seems to have turned away from the brink of literal, not metaphoric, suicide and has released a not-at-all-a-trainwrecky album and gone a world tour from which the biggest controversy has been her onstage lip syncing.
• While Lindsay continues to rage, Twitter seems to have been the right amount of rope for her to hang herself; her outbursts are now so common and so plainly on view for the world to see that they barely attract much notice.
• Selling millions upon millions of albums, sweeping up every award American music has to offer, dorky, sweet, actually-scarily-talented, only-a-monster could hate, Jonas Brother-dating Taylor Swift's star has eclipsed even Miley's.
• The biggest tabloid event of the season has been been Khloé Kardashian's after-all-the-fireworks, heartwarming, in-the-end-drama-free commitment to lifelong love with Lamar Odom.
• The most read about actress of our times, Kristen Stewart, may indulge in a fair amount of public sulking and foster ambiguity about her relationship with her co-star, but to date she has yet to release a sex tape, openly steal a friend's boyfriend, get arrested or publicly lash out in an insane hate-filled rant. Her moods and snits are well within the bounds of pre-apocalypse young starlet divadom.
• The absence of public misbehavior has been so marked that the paparazzi are having trouble even surviving.
• Even the high priest of the mean girls era, Perez Hilton has been forced to start a bitchy-lite offshoot.
• And the era's leading enabler, Joe Francis, is finally so deep in legal troubles that he seems on the brink of being buried by his own wretched world.

The upside of this are clear: our national solvency can't but be helped by young girls actually having positive role-models and not being encouraged to grow up into out-of-contol, drunk-on-narcissism, half-witted tabloid fodder striving desperately for negative attention.

Still, on the other hand, so many have wished Paris and Lindsay to be gone for so long, that shouldn't we be just a little bit worried that on the brink of getting our wish, we may be walking into a trap; that standing on a hill somewhere Mr. Roarke is watching our sea plane taking off and saying, mysteriously, "Yes, Tattoo, America got its fantasy of a world with no Paris, but, my friend, but at what price?"

Is a world where stars comport themselves with dignity, remember to thank their parents, refrain from swearing, never tape themselves having sex, don't steal their friends' husbands and don't Twitter in the middle of the night on meth, really what we want? Nice, earnest, stars devoted to their craft and wanting to do good for their community...you wanted it and now we've all got it. Unfasten your seat belts...the Ferrari is coming to a halt.

J. Peter Hogan (what is up with Republicans and that first initial?) is a crazy right-wing dude who loves Politico.com and Newsbusters.com. He has too much time on his hands and a strange preoccupation with socialites and other young, attractive famous women, namely Lydia Hearst, her sister Gillian, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and others. He regularly tweets them all random things that make little to no sense. This morning he sent the mini missive, "Pictionary poetry: A socialite looked up "socialism" & didn't like what she found yet stays a prominent person in fashionable society." Huh? That doesn't even make any sense.

Later he followed up with, "@Lhearst @parishilton my dctnry - socialite: a person who is prominent in fashionable society. @danaperino @ladygaga @katyperry." Is that supposed to be a dig or something?

Well, Lydia took the bait and replied. "Some people take things too literally and do not understand how words and definitions can change - they should watch S.Park F Word Episode," she tweets, adding in a second message that her comment was directed towards Hogan. Please, the only two stations this guy knows how to find on his dial are Fox News and QVC, he wouldn't be able to find South Park on Comedy Central with both hands and a flashlight.

Lydia, do not talk to the crazies! They're always going to be there, saying stupid things that don't make any sense, and if you talk back to them, you're going to give them power. And with some power, then they'll keep saying more things and crazier things and they might even do something drastic like show up at the red carpet and heckle you for being a communist because the carpet is red. Twitter is for telling us which parties you're going to, who you're hanging out with, and maybe even sending pictures of the outfits you're wearing. You just keep having a good time and being fabulous and let the professionals worry about shaming the crazy people, OK?

[Image via Getty]

• Uh-oh. When you read the headline "Paris Strikes Back at the Kardashians," you know you're in for some shit. #BEEF is the word. All I have to say before I read this is: Team Paris. Because it takes more to manage fame than a large ass and a bunch of braindead sisters whose names begin with K, you know? Paris backed out of the game for a while. Kept in on the DL, nahmean? She knows how to moderate these things. Now, let's see....oh, well this just sucks: Paris is "jealous" of Kim and Ko. because Kim and the Kardashians are kommanding all of this attention that she used to. So now she's gonna unveil a new line of products and let us know that her and boyfriend Doug Reinhardt are stable and normal and are also kind of thrifty, or something. I don't like this at all. If Paris wants to get back on the scene, cool, except real recognize real, P: don't change your stupidly lavish ways, you're watering down the product. All that said, still: Team Paris. [Page Six]
  
  
• Meh, meh, okay. Fine. Boris and Natasha-esque gossip duo Rush and Molloy did an okay job this Sunday, after they rocked last week with crazy Scientology nonsense. This time, it's crazy strip club nonsense. Shitbag Michael Lohan supposedly wanted girls who looked like—eww—his daughter to dance for him, and Lindsay came in the week after to (heh) meet them. Madonna stiffed the dancers. Bill Maher was, naturally, a piece of shit. Bill Gates left a $3,500 tip. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis were, of course, totally cool. And then there's this gem:

  Ann Landers? The advice columnist?

  "Yeah, she interviewed John Kennedy Jr. while girls danced around him."

  Word. Related: let's bring back George, please. [NYDN]
  
  

• Okay, Diane von Furstenberg: clearly, you ate your vegetables and drank your Pimp Juice for dinner the other night, because this is pretty awesome. DVF was at a jam at The Standard and decided she needed to go home because it was ovah for her. Her rooftop Meatpacking District lair—I'm serious, it's like something that emerged somewhere between Narnia and Spaceballs—is just a few blocks away, so she decided to hoof it. Having recently been mugged in Spain, she pointed to tall, good looking guy at the party, and said, You, you are escorting me home. Baller status. DVF, we approve. [Page Six]
  
  
• Papa Lohan, besides being insane, is still in deep contention for Fuckface Father of the Year: he skipped out on some promise to raise money for special needs kids. [Page Six]
  
  
• Scary Metal Bro from Slipknot got married in Vegas, and him and his wife walked down the aisle to For Whom The Bell Tolls. Well, his mother definitely isn't Jewish. This is like the opposite of the Chris Brown Wedding Dance people. [People]
  
  
• Page Six: Michael Moore, you're fat and you're movie sucks. Also, you've done nothing to win the favor of Page Six, like escorting Diane von Furstenberg home. Asswizzard. [Page Six]
  
  
• Get this: some model named Chanel Iman thinks the Boom Boom Room is a great place to hang out. Big fucking surprise. Related, Gawker readers, for purposes of context, you should heretoforth do whatever research is necessary to understand what a Boom Boom Room is and why it's significant to this here feature. Because you will be reading about this Room of Boom Boom. Oh yes. You will. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy who used to be Billy Mays' partner on Pitchmen, Anthony Sullivan, wants a six-foot wall put up around his home because neighbor Derek Jeter has one, too. Yes, well: Derek Jeter also gets to have sex with Minka Kelly, but you don't see me trying to have sex with Minka Kelly, do you, Anthony? Jesus. Just be happy for him. You're worse than Jason Street. Also, notice how I had to actually preface Anthony Sullivan's name with what he did to get famous? That's because he's not famous enough to get cleared for building a six-foot wall in Tampa. [Page Six]
  
  
• Dear Art Garfunkel: Just because you're Art Garfunkel doesn't mean you have to treat the world like an Art Garfunkel. I hope Paul Simon laughs at you the next time he sees you, you complete assface. Art Garfunkel screamed at someone for a tissue and also told someone to quiet down a developmentally challenged person after they were making noise in his show, after which, they were escorted out. That's so sad. You know who'd write a great song about it? Yup: Paul Simon. Asswizzard! [Page Six]
  
  
• OMFGFGGG okay, wow, deep breath, okay. There's some story about Kelly Osbourne and a dog and a Swatch store but it doesn't matter all you need to know is that if you click on the link you will see a picture of something spawned from the demon asshole of hell and it's terrifying and almost kind of rock and roll but still Jesus be prepared and don't say I didn't warn you because I just did. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosie O'Donnell's partner moved out and they're no longer making whoopie under the same roof. This is sad, except great, because I don't have to think about Rosie O'Donnell having sex again for another six months. Breakfast! It tastes worse coming up. [NYDN]
  
  
• The guy from Hair has a huge dong. Go figure. Some lady ripped off his loin-cloth when he was doing his ridiculous hippie dance in the audience during the show and he got to let the sun/follow-spot shine in on his wang. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ugh. Sammy Sosa, you are freaking me out right now. Mark McGwire's balls shrink so you go and become white? So fucked up. Ughhh. Don't get it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Carrie Prejean's sextape is just aching to get out there. Also, best Carrie Prejean's Sextape-Related Headline: Carrie Prejean Has More Sex Tapes Than John McCain Has Houses. Genius. [NYDN]

Hey! It's Sunday. Enjoy yourselves today. Be thankful that you both (A) are not Art Garfunkel and (B) have gotten all of the Art Garfunkel's out of your life. And if you don't, maybe today would be a good day to do it, no? I hope I'm not your Art Garfunkel. In the mean time, a little jam from Paul Simon. I'd pick something from Capeman, but we're not that far into the day. So, let's do this instead:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Not much is known about the baby-faced Malaysian, but tales of his largess are swirling about and frequently as he has been dropping tens of thousands of dollars at hot spots around the city. Here's what we know:

Name: Take Jho Low
Age: 28
Occupation: Officially he is an adviser to some international corporations, but no one knows what that means or seems to believe that is the truth. People say he's involved in oil, gas, and construction. He and was appointed to the board of Malaysian bank UBG Berhad last year. It's rumored that he's an arms dealer.
Residence: Rents several apartments in the Park Imperial on West 57th St in midtown that house him and his staff—including several body guards. Famous neighbors include Daniel Craig and Sean Combs.
Motorcade: Travels about town with his entourage in a fleet of Escalades.
Nightclub Spending:

• Spent $160,000 in one night at Avenue this September during Fashion Week.
• Routinely spends between $50,000 and $60,000 at Pink Elephant.
• Bought Lindsay Lohan 23 bottles of Cristal at 1OAK when she was celebrating her 23rd birthday.

• Just celebrated his 28th year starting last Wednesday with a four-day bash at Ceasar's Palace in Las Vegas.
• Megan Fox was flown out to Vegas to hang out with the birthday boy, who routinely surrounds himself with models.
• The hotel pool was surrounded by caged lions and tigers and filled with girls in bikinis. Later, at a nightclub, Low bought 120 bottles of Cristal for the revelers.
• Jamie Foxx gave him a red sports car for a present.
• Paris Hilton and Usher also attended the party.

[Image via Getty]

• Apparently on a boozy limo ride home from a few Halloween parties where they were dressed as matching tooth fairies, Paris Hilton's boyfriend Doug Reinhardt threw her phone out the window. It appears that excessive texting annoys him too. Paris got out of the car to find it on the side of the road to no avail. When she got back into the car, Reinhardt started to choke her. Of course, the paps were swarming and friends tried to stop them from taking pictures. Like a good girl, Paris fought back, kicking and screaming at her man. The good news? A photographer found her phone and returned it. [NY Post]
• Real Housewife of New York Kelly Bensimon showed up on time for the Halloween party she hosted on Saturday night, instead of showing up two hours late like she did last year. Hurray for lessons learned. Bensimon was dressed as a sexy Heidi or some such. Also in attendance was Jill Zaron dressed as Poison Ivy from the Batman comics. The real news is that Bensimon and fellow Housewife Zarin are apparently new besties now that Zarin had a falling out with former partner in crime Bethenny Frankel. Because she's still on the show this season, Bethenney has been relegated to hanging out with crazy-eyed Ramona Singer and Brooklynite Alex McCord. As goes Jill Zarin, so goes the audience, so maybe people will start to like this Kelly creature now. [Gatecrasher]
• Speaking of Halloween parties, Tinsley Mortimer showed up with reality crew in tow for an event to benefit cancer charity City of Hope on Friday night at Marquee. "She showed up with 20 people. The crew shot her walking into the venue, but not inside the party as promised," says City Of Hope's Jocelyn Levy. "They just hung out and drank, for free, even the producers. We didn't ask them to come, they called us." Hmm. That's funny, because we were there and we saw with our own two eyes that Tinsley did, in fact, film inside the party. Sure it was in the back by the dessert bar and the production kept a tight perimeter around Ms. Mortimer, but she did actually film inside the party. Don't go trying to tarnish our Tinz unfairly! [Gatecrasher]
• Nicolas Cage is going to miss a New York screening of his movie Bad Lieutenant, because his father, literature professor August Coppola (brother of filmmaker Francis Ford), died of a heart attack. We love it when celebrities actually do the right thing. [P6]
• Elton John has been hospitalized for a bad case of the flu and a minor case of e. coli and has canceled several concerts. All his pairs of sparkly glasses tell him to get well soon. [AP]
• Because her life hasn't been charmed enough, Dakota Fanning is now a cheerleader and the homecoming queen at North Hollywood's Campbell Hall Episcopal High School, which she is attending. Transformation into mean girl is complete. [E Online]
• Mel Gibson's girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva, might have maybe had her baby (Mel's eighth) two months early. We hope this isn't like Heidi Klum baby thing where all the tabs were trying so hard to scoop each other that they just started making up the birth. [People]
• John DeLucie the fancy chef at Graydon Carter's Waverly Inn isn't leaving. That's great news for all of us who couldn't get a reservation even if we wanted one. [P6]
• Gossip dowager Cindy Adams is obsessed with the making of Wall Street 2. Has she not seen a film in the movie theater since the original came out 22 years ago, or does she just have a huge crush on Shia LaBeouf? You decide. [Cindy Adams]

[Image via Getty]

• Whitney Houston showed up on a British TV talent competition where she nearly burst out of her gown and appeared out of it during an interview. Houston managed to keep her dress on after one of the straps broke, but she couldn't remember when her album comes out in the UK. Further proof that crack is indeed whack. [Daily Star]
• 
  
• Sources tell Page Six that Paris Hilton has a three-page movie set rider that includes demands for vodka and live lobsters, but her reps are denying the story. Usually celebrity spokespeople are full of it, but this time, they may be telling the truth. Paris Hilton never eats. There's no way this lobster thing is true unless crustaceans have replaced chihuahuas as the hot animal to be seen with on the red carpet. [Page Six]
• 
  
• Sara Coleman had a baby with hip hop hook specialist Akon. She's seeking child support and says the singer is hiding out from her lawyers. Akon says he doesn't understand why anyone would have trouble finding him because "I'm a celebrity.. my schedule is on the internet, you can go on my Myspace, you can go on my web site, it'll tell you where I'm at." Here is where I insert the obligatory joke about how I didn't realize anyone still had a Myspace page. [TMZ]
• 
  
• George Clooney wants you to know that making millions while sleeping with an endless array of beautiful starlets won't necessarily make you feel "happy" or "complete." Sure thing George. [Mirror]
• 
  
• John Stamos says he was smashed when he insulted a reporter on Australian TV. The living embodiment of nineties nostalgia says he "was on sleeping pills and I was jet-lagged, but I was also just plastered" during the awkward 2007 morning show appearance. [Access Hollywood]
• 
  

• Pamela Anderson should be investigated for breaking child labor laws after having a 9-year old girl hold her dress train and sit at her feet at this week's Hollywood Style Awards. Or that's what a Child Labor Coalition spokesman thinks: "I would want to speak to the child to ask her if it is something she willingly did. Nine is very young, and an awards ceremony is a long time for a child to be out holding a dress." This could be bigger than the Triangle Factory Fire. [Page Six]
  
  
• Do people really have to ask why Rush Limbaugh's still a member of the infamously racist Everglades Club in Palm Beach? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh no! Katy Perry better watch out: Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend says he's incapable of monogamy. Their breakup would be the death of love forever. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 he took from a joint account he and wife Kate share. So now maybe that money can go toward, you know, his gaggle of children. [Star]
  
  
• Jeffrey Tambor, who plays the Bluth family patriarch on Arrested Development, recently gave birth to a pair of twin boys. Well, his wife Kasia did the actual birthing, but let's not parse here, okay? [People]
  
  
• Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook have finally signed their divorce settlement. Does this mean their tabloid war will die down? Doubtful: Cook's lawyers yesterday described Brinkley as a "bitter, vindictive, angry woman," while Brinkley reminded us all that Cook's been called an "extreme narcissist." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paris Hilton adopted a ridiculous pet — a pig — and animal activists are mad as hell. This all seems so familiar. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Very important news: Peaches Geldof is now blonde again. All those hunger strikes paid off. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Swoon: Jordan Catalano himself, Jared Leto, has joined the fight for gay marriage. [E!]
  
  
• Ashton Kutcher once told then-girlfriend January Jones that she wouldn't be good at acting. And now she's proving him wrong on Mad Men. Well, she's famous because of Mad Men. Whether she's a good actress remains open to debate. [NYDN]

Steve Krakauer of Mediaite marveled that someone spelled the name of his website wrong. We marvel when anyone manages to spell it right.

UPDATE: The original version of this post mis-spelled Steve Krakauer's name.

The New Yorker's Susan Orlean announced her marriage to Mashable's Pete Cashmore, who will presumably elevate her above her past work as a part-time farmhand.

This is why TheFrisky's Jessica Wakeman can't have nice things.

Tila Tequila welcomes a conversation with your child, however prurient.

Paris Hilton is just fulfilling her moral obligation to entertain you, people. One does not question life advice from Marilyn Monroe. Especially when everything turned out so well for her.

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

• Lindsay Lohan's a silly, silly brat. The former movie star tried to pull imaginary rank by moving other celebrities' seating assignments to accommodate her sister and two friends. Her little plan took out Juliette Lewis and Christian Siriano's seats, but security stepped in when she tried to reassign Taylor Momsen. That has to sting. [Page Six]
  
  
• President Carter, who's making all sorts of news these days, thinks Kanye acted inappropriately the VMA awards. Carter, you're so hip. [CNN]
  
  
• Sad Mischa Barton's drunken days don't seem to be behind her, for the actress was slurring her words at the G-Star after party. She then danced by herself in the deejay booth. Can't this girl get her act together? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Bassett Baskett must have thought they had a pretty good life, but now that fairy tale's crashing down: the Philadelphia Eagles just dropped Bassett from the team. [NYDN]
  
  
• Abercrombie & Fitch has filed an inane lawsuit against Beyonce because they think her "Sasha Fierce" line of products sounds too much like their perfume, "Fierce." [Reuters]
  
  
• Megan Fox admits that she's "aggressive, hurtful, domineering and selfish." We believe her. [LA Times]
  
  
• Madonna's brother thinks she looks like "Rachel Zoe gone horribly wrong." Eck! We can't imagine such a thing. [E!]
  
  
• That was fast! Burt Reynolds has already left rehab for his addiction to pain killers. [AP]
  
  
• Those royals sure can be rude: Queen Elizabeth's sister, Princess Margaret, burned letters sent from Princess Diana to the Queen Mother. Margaret thought she was respecting her family's privacy, she claims, but we think she was just being mean. [Telegraph]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin's lawyer is pissed that the family's former nanny is speaking out about how she had sex with him. Honestly, he should be commending her courage. [Us Weekly]
  
  
• Someone pulled a gun on Paris Hilton's "BF" Doug Reinhardt at a club in LA. He wasn't hurt, thankfully. Wait, who the hell is Doug Reinhardt? [TMZ]

• Doug Reinhardt rented an island or something in order to win back America's tainted love, Paris Hilton. Paris, of course, loves being treated like a princess and is gushing all over the place about it. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller may have finally found someone to love her and he's known as the "Slinky Wizard." This mystery man is a DJ (Of course he is!) named DJ George Barker, who supposedly specializes in trance music. And hey — he's single! [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt was so busy signing a new contract with the Weinstein's at the Inglorious Bastards premiere that poor Angelina had to spend her time talking to Eli Roth. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson is still trying to organize some sort of tribute to Michael Jackson with the help of Larry King's wife Shawn, of all people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are jaunting around in Barcelona with their hands all over each other in public, even putting their hands on each other's asses at one point! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Blanket Jackson's surrogate mother has been revealed to be a Mexican nurse named Helena. Supposedly Jackson liked her because she was attractive and Latina. Who knew Michael liked Latin ladies?! [Mirror]
  
  
• Our old pal James Frey has written some sort of novel about a man some believe to be the messiah. [Page Six]
  
  
• Russell Brand says that he's looking for a woman who has a "high pain threshold." [Mirror]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake has purchased a 13,500 square foot home in Greenwich, CT. It was originally listed at $23.9-million but closed for $18.7-million. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that Paula Abdul could end up at ABC in some capacity, including as a guest star on Ugly Betty. [TMZ]

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoy boning in the grotto attached to their pool, according to Brad Pitt. But really, what's the use of having a grotto if you're not going to bone in it? [Sun]
  
  
• Many people have speculated that Lady Gaga might be a hermaphrodite, and then she came out recently and said "I have both a poon and a peener," and now this video of her "peener" popping out during a performance confirms it—Lady Gaga is a chick with a dick. [Bossip]
  
  
• American Idol alum Constantine Maroulis got his ass kicked at Cipriani Wall Street the other night after getting into an argument with another guy about Paula Abdul. Yeah, this is a great story. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Josh Lucas say that he hates LA because is the vortex of suck in the universe and he loves New York because New York is the world's golden vagina, but everyone already knows that, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• The Gods are smiling today because Paris Hilton and Douglas Reinhardt are reconciling to bring their tainted nether bits back together so that their bodies can once again form one giant human Petri dish. [Page Six]
  
  
• After being pronounced dead on the internet at least a dozen times, Patrick Swayze is looking like he's getting better. [Daily News]
  
  
• Leonardo DiCaprio is dating yet another Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Where does he find them all? Does he order them from a freaking catalog or something? [Page Six]
  
  
• Gotta admit it, Britney Spears looks pretty damn good in this white bikini. Britney's back baby! Or something. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Queen Latifah enjoyed a lovely evening recently at a lesbian club on 14th street ordering bottle service for the friends she was sharing a table with. [Page Six]

• Tom Cruise tells the Beckhams how to raise their kids, supposedly. One of the sincerely funny parts of the just-released Funny People is a dick joke involving Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and David Beckham, and this makes that joke exponentially funnier! I'm sure someone will ruin it in the comments - probably me - but honestly, this justifies $7 of the $12 you'll have to pay to see Funny People (or whatever the proportional fraction is for being not being eye-gouged with ridiculous movies prices who live in places more reasonable than Gomorrah New York. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law's Babeh Mama Of The Month has a name for their new lovemunchkin, and it's going to be "Sophia" as in "I'mma Sophia Ass In Court, Moneybags!" [People]
  
  
• Tyra Banks is going to be on Gossip Girl because she loves to ruin things you love. [US]
  
  
• Emma Watson is related to a real witch, swears People! I want to know what editor at People was like, go through centuries of lineage of obscure witches and Harry Potter cast members and see if you can dig some shit up. Gold star for both of you, srsly. [People]
  
  
• Beyonce wants you to stop taking pictures of her ass, which America is crazy in love with. But who's stupid enough to take a picture of Jay-Z's wife's ass? Also, I heard a great story this week that apparently, Beyonce fucking loves to go to bars in New York incognito with Jay-Z to play Buck Hunter. I hope this is true because if so that's just great, and not because it's oh, Beyonce loves Buck Hunter, that's cute. No, it's awesome because you know they could just buy a Buck Hunter machine but instead they insist on going to bars and secretly getting a thrill out of it. How this item hasn't been reported before is beyond me? [Showbiz Spy and Me]
  
  
• Katy Perry and Rihanna are friends, now, and they've been hanging out in places like Barbados! And...the Meatpacking District! Meanwhile, some internet dork quietly prepares the inevitable "I Kissed An Umbrella" mashup. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's boyfriend, Sebastian Stan - who seems like a legitimately awesome guy, and believe this, is a great actor! Ask anyone who saw him on Broadway in the revival of Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio! Seriously. - talks about what it's like to watch her make out with Ed Westwick on the set of Gossip Girl, which is relatively kinky for People. [People]
  
  
• Heroes star Zach Qunito was questioned by cops twice while filming a skit for Funny or Die. The cops were lucky he didn't slice their brains open and take what little powers they have. [E!]
  
  
• Did you know E! has someone cooking up celebrity conspiracy theories? That's kind of sincerely great and something I wish I'd thought of first, but then again, it's only great if someone at E! is doing it. This week: what if Jon and Kate were all a lie? [E!]
  
  
• American Idol winner Kris Allen is subletting the fully-furnished Arkansas apartment he shared with his wife for $600 a month because they're going to be in Hollywood for a little bit. (1) They're subleasing, that's cute and (2) the fact that it's $600 a month, is like, okay, after you live in New York for so long you forget what rent in other parts of the world cost and then, for whatever reason, you see them, and think about what a ridiculous ass you are for paying $900 a month to live in what more or less amounts to a recycling bin (but one that's off of Avenue A!) and that you could do this job from Asheville, North Carolina so why not just do it from there? And then you remember that Asheville, charming as it is, doesn't have Shake Shack. And then you remember that you're willing to stand in line for an hour for a fucking cheeseburger and you should probably just order an Arsenic Shake the next time you're there. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Game - he's a rapper, heh - got into a fight at a funeral. I wonder if he's ever seen Shotgun Stories by Jeff Nichols. It's a great movie about two families from rural Arkansas (speaking of Arkansas!) and the wide divisions between them made more evident by an incident at a funeral of the two family's shared patriarch. It was directed by David Gordon Greene's film school colleague and made David Edelstein's Top 10 films last year and is quite fantastic and incredibly subtle, maybe the most subtle, poetic film I've seen in the last two years. Also, Michael Shannon is genius in it. Anyway. He probably hasn't. Anyway: TMZ helpfully points out that The Game is referred to in the lawsuit of his alleged funeral beatdown as someone who "fashions himself as some kind of rapper, gangster and/or celebrity," haha. [TMZ]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's shady doctor - who, when I wrote the item about him being a sketchball, a bunch of you shithead commenters were like, oh, he's not shady, how can you say he's shady only because he went bankrupt and has a bunch of liens on him in, like, six different states, we know nothing about him, and I was like, listen, people: game recognize game, and this dude is shady - was in dire financial straits and was being paid $150,000 a month by Jackson. The Daily News gets deep into Conrad Murray's financial issues, and yes, they are shady, which leads me to believe that you people that were trying to convince other people that this guy wasn't shady are all tax criminals and I've now recorded your IPs and sent them to the IRS, LOLZ JK. Oh, also, he invested in a Trinidadian energy drink called Pitbull, which is hysterical. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is back with Doug Reinhardt. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• I almost didn't read a Page Six item today entitled ASHTON KUTCHER WAS A BIG FAKE either because I figured, fuckit, I could write that one without even looking or secretly some part of me actually didn't care to know which element of Ashton Koosher's existence was fraudulent. But I read it because it's one of those strangely compelling "rainy day" Page Six items that bring philosophical elements of identity into question, like, okay, if Ashton Koosher Was A Big Fake, then what am I? What are you? What is in my cat's cat food bowl? I think Richard Johnson maybe secretly sometimes sits around his desk and thinks of subversive ways to fuck with the gossip-hunting people of the world who think way too far into it, like me. Anyway: it turns out he used to buy fake watches and fake Versace pants and fake Calvin Klein T-shirts to show his family how not broke phi broke he was when he first started out acting, even though he didn't have a place to live. Okay, well, the fake Versace pants thing is just funny, because, like, Versace is an indicator of success? Certainly not in taste, from what little I understand about fashion. And then you get to the bit about fake Calvin Klein T-shirts, and it's like, (A) really? How much is a real one? And (B) where do you go in L.A. to actually purchase fake Calvin Klien T-shirts? Can't you just get the real deal at T.J. Maxx or something? Don't they come 3 to a $50 pack? The guy who sells fake Calvin Klien T-shirts must be the shadiest dude in West Hollywood. Also, when did Ashton Kutcher start acting, the age of enlightenment? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• J-Lo went to Rome and a bunch of people were like AHHHHHHHHH JAYYYYYY-LOOOOO YOUWEREAWESOMEINGIGLI!!!!!!!! And I guess it's like - I know, I know, obvious joke, but - When In Rome, act like people might've acted in 2001? Furthermore, the way Europeans freak out about American celebrities must mean the European celebrities absolutely suck. One thing America will always do right: produce a good movie star. Or at least assimilate one. Related: I once got conned by a smelly chain-smoking photo-opping mime outside of the Pantheon for four Euro. Fucking Rome. [TMZ]
  
  
• Things Chase Crawford apparently isn't afraid of: rain. Things that now make Page Six on a Saturday: celebrities who aren't afraid of rain. Now: I want the list of the ones who are. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm not entirely sure what this D-Listed post entitled "NeNe Will Choke A Bitch" is about, but it sure sounds entertaining. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Finally, if you watch United States of Tara you know that "Buck" is the best character on the show. Well: Chasing Amy star Joey Lauren Adams ends up in a love affair with Buck in the next season. Fantastic! [EW]

• Rumors are swirling that the fairy tale love affair between Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds might be coming to an end. There have been numerous reports of ugly public spats between the two of late and now it appears as though a recent fight just prior to Comic-Con caused Reynolds to cancel his appearance because he didn't want to be around his delicious wife. Scarlett reportedly got so mad that she ripped off her wedding ring and threw it at him or something. And now the producers of Green Latern are pissed at Reynolds for canceling the promotional appearance over a fight with his wife. Now, I don't usually give two shits about celebrity breakups, but these two potentially breaking up makes me kind of sad, which is sad in and of itself I guess. [Update: Reynolds' reps at 42 West contacted us and say this tale, first reported by FoxNews.com, and say that he was never going to go to Comic-Con so there was no appearance to cancel: "The story you have posted about Ryan Reynolds is completely untrue. Warner Brothers never planned to have Green Lantern as part of their panel at this year's Comic Con and Ryan is in Europe shooting a film."] [Fresh News]
  
  
• Why are the men of America shunning America's deformed-thumbed walking Halloween costume, Megan Fox? According to a few men's magazines (probably staffed by gay males), the mens are tired of the Megan Foxes. Personally, I'm torn on Megan Fox. I go back and forth a lot, but after seeing her humble, witty, self-depreciating appearance on Letterman a couple of weeks ago, I want to cuddle with her and eat blueberries and watch Silver Spoon reruns on TV Land. Just saying. [Daily News and Asylum]
  
  
• Bar Refaeli is getting over Leo DiCaprio by boning a "Brazilian playboy" named Ricardo. Yep, that sounds about right. [Page Six]
  
  
• The ridiculously beautiful Kate Beckinsale celebrated her 36th birthday out on the town in LA with Eva Longoria and Victoria Beckham. [Sun]
  
  
• Marilyn Manson has had enough of scumbag journalists saying bad things about him and he took to his Myspace page to issue a threat to all of them—If they write anything bad about him, Marilyn will eat their hearts in a teriyaki stir fry. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jay-Z got a huge book deal to write a tell-all autobiography and detail his past drug-dealing and womanizing and all that kind of stuff. [Mirror]
  
  
• Kid Rock is not a fan of Twitter. When asked what he thought about it he replied, "It's gay." Yep, Kid Rock is right again, and yes, I do have a Twitter account, so I can say that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Paris Hilton is all broken up about the sex tape that made her dumb ass one of the most famous people in the world. She claims that she was betrayed and blah, blah, blah, but I think she was in on it. I could be wrong. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Chabon is taking time off from writing books to launch an anti-circumcision campaign or something. [Page Six]
  
  
• Mischa Barton was all smiles as she returned back to work yesterday after a stint in a psychiatric ward. [Daily Mail]