• I like it, Rush & Molloy, I like it. Thanks for the nice, scandalicious, SEO-happy headline. The Boris and Natasha-esque Daily News gossip columnists have been stepping up their game lately. Today they slice-and-dice their Moose and Squirrel sights on a few items, chief among them: laughing at Courtney Love's batshit claim that Britney Spears was molested as a young girl, and the British tabloid who's paying an unnamed female Spears family member to argue that she did. That said, Courtney Love: still batshit insane, not worth listening to at all. Some conspiracy theorists, you gotta be like, hey, they might be on to something. What the hell is Courtney Love so worried about Britney Spears for? It's like she's reading us too much lately, or something. She's got to have something better to do. Also, She's kind of like The Werid Sisters, except nothing she says makes any sense whatsoever, and nobody would go to her for advice. Bubble bubble toilet and trouble, whiskey burn and tweaker mumble. [R & M]
  
  
• Usher is a crier. Every time he watches Extreme Home Makeover, he cries. 'Few things here: (1) This is the lead Page Six story today, probably because the other two major gossip stories (Alexa Ray Joel and Tiger-Style) get their own reports, but still: depressing; (2) Everyone cries at Extreme Home Makeover. People without tear ducts cry at Extreme Home Makeover. That doesn't make any less shitty or exploitative of a show. They're prying on your middle-class-and-above selfishness and need to compensate for it with guilt (or, if you're Usher, your boatloads of scratch), so your natural reaction is, of course, to cry. Well, guess what: when you're done crying, those people and their twelve adopted children have still been fucked eight ways to Pluto by the universe and they also still have a smile on their face at the end of the day. In swoops ABC with their cameras and JC Penny's with their advertising and the screamy tweakergay who scares the shit out of me. They get the house, everyone cries, and like that, we've all been subverted by the fucked up corporate entity that—by four or so degrees—probably resulted in their poor living conditions in the first place. So go ahead, keep crying. Assholes. But this doesn't change the fact that (3) Ush-urr got the beat make the booty go (CLAP). [Page Six]
  
  
• Johnson & Johnson heir Casey Johnson was dumped by "lover and friend" Courtenay Semel, but neither of them were in Twilight so I don't give a shit. Come back when you sparkle or can turn into an eagle or some shit. [Page Six]
  
  
• JEETAH! He eats chicken. [Page Six]
  
  
• Great. Tyra Banks was spotted eating at Market Table the other night with her boyfriend. The Page Six item is about how they were there eating all the fatty foots but honestly, it's like, just stay out of New York's good restaurants, Tyra. You don't need to eat. Your life encourages other people not to eat, or to throw up, or in my case, to involuntarily projectile vom. Go to Nello's. Shit, go to Buddakahn. Read all the fake books painted on the walls, come out "smarter." But Market Table? Seriously. If you take it to Joseph Leonard I'm gonna burn the West Village to the ground. [Page Six]
  
  
• Love it. Today show producers wanted to get her to talk about this so they were all like, So, Kathy Lee, Frank fucked around on you. This makes you an expert on Tiger Woods, right? [R & M, Second Item]
  
  
• Gianni Versace (pronounced VER-SAZE-EE) "must be turning in his grave" according to Page Six. What, did someone realize that his Peacock-print shirts were ugly as a fucking moon rock? I didn't read the rest of this item. I think it's about his Miami house. Former house. Former, because he's dead. [Page Six]
  
  
• What the fuck?

  F. Warrington Gillet Jr. can finally rest in peace. "Big Warry," as he was known in Palm Beach, died seven years ago and had a big funeral befitting his bloodlines — one ancestor was US Ambassador to the Soviet Union Joseph Davies, the husband of Marjorie Merriweather Post. But his widow, steel heiress Elesabeth Ingalls Boykin Gillet, never put a tombstone on his unmarked grave in Maryland.

  Okay guys, if F. Warrington Gillet Jr. can make Page Six, if you dream it, you can, too. Just make sure you send Richard and Neel an unmarked envelope stacked with enough cash to get them to get an intern to write this shit up. In fact, I'm working on an item about how the two cats I don't own, Captain Scuzzybutt Esq. and Muffin McCloud III fell in love, as they recounted the story to a party in Miami at Art Basel while everyone drank Veuve Cliquot on dry ice and Andy Dick tried to put his pants on backwards. [Page Six]
  
  

• Guys, does Barbara Corcoran have a main line into Page Six, or what? This week, there's a story about the real estate queen bumping into Robert DeNiro in the "Today" show makeup room. De Niro—still kinda funny—asked her how the real estate business was [get it? Because it's fucked and etc, yeah, you get it.] and she responded by asking if he was still with that beautiful wife of his. Cute. But AH-HA! Two weeks ago, during that same visit to the Today Show, Babs' (far funnier) story about running into Len Berman at Today was ALSO reported. So! Either Today has an intern hiding in a houseplant to collect decent anecdotes, Barbara Corcoran has an awesome publicist, or Corcoran's been hanging out at Today was too much. There are any number of scenarios in this case, but the fact that I feel pride in being able to connect these two items only means that I need to get out more. Also, Babs, if you're looking for a hot PR drop, holla. I can't take cash like the real gossips, but it's always good to know a decent real estate agent in this town. Apartment hunting's a bitch. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rosanne Barr sits around and talks shit with former First Lady Barbara Bush, who "hates" Obama. Well, that's okay, Barbara Bush, you're sitting around talking with Rosanne Barr. [R & M, Second Item]
  
  
• A Harvard dean who was supposed to be at an event with Mark Conseulos and Kelly Ripa came down with Swine Flu. Good to know where your professors hang out, Harvard: with Kelly Ripa and in places you can catch Swine Flu. Ivy league, my ass. [Page Six]
  
  
• Natalie Portman thanked director Jim Sheriden for the "special effects" on Brothers. I'm thankful to Natalie Portman for getting quoted using the word "tits" in the Daily News. [R & M, Fourth Item]
  
  
• Anthony Haden-Guest—who, and, really, I'm not going to explain—was roasting artist Damien Hirst (who is an Important Artist right now selling Expensive Art to Fancy People) at The Standard in Miami (where Art Basel is wrapping up) and he did it with this fairly crafty poem, entitled "A Brilliant But Inexplicably Underappreciated Artist Contemplates Some Figures in the Landscape." It went: "Why would I want to see him immersed / In formaldehyde next to his putrid shark / And sold as a set to an oligarch?" This was in reference to a Hirst piece sold to a billionaire. What I like about thinking about artists who only sell paintings for bazillions of dollars because they all blew Larry Gagosian is that they're a fine lesson in exactly what kind of art sells in this world: theirs, and their poster reprints at the MoMA. And that's really all you need to know! [Page Six]
  
  
• Glenn Beck is "cool" with gay marriage and thinks we should just leave the institution of marriage "alone." This is funny, because, regardless of your gender, Glenn Beck's job is to stick his dick in your ear. [R & M, Fifth Item]
  
  
• Awesomely funny asshole-comic Jim Norton almost got his spine snapped in half by Jesse "The Body" Ventura (R) on live radio recently. See, people: radio isn't dead. Especially whenever Jim Norton might be. [Page Six]
  
  
• R & M buried a few decent items on their last page, but I've spent way too long on this, so here: Zack Galifinakis likes working in Brooklyn on Bored to Death because he can ride his bike to work, subtext, every woman in Brooklyn wants him and he gets to watch on his way to work. Sub-subtext: I still don't understand the appeal of Zack Galifinakis. KiKi Dunst got drunk at dinner. Chelsea Handler's dating the guy who runs Comcast who will soon run NBC and we will soon all eat out of Chelsea Handler-emblazoned dogbowls. Julian Lennon who was the Lennon son John had that acts more like Paul (HA!) is doing something that doesn't involve Yoko Fucking Ono and that's all that matters. [R & M]

Running a wee bit late today. Whoops! Anyway, I'm well-rested, and we hope you are, too. I think another nine girls who slept with Tiger Woods are outing themselves today, so, you know, word: another few slides on the dossier, notches on the belt, balls in the holes, whatever. How's everyone doing this morning? Let's kick it off with a nice jam.

Thank you for your continued support of Gawker Weekends.

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

You can not fool us putting it behind your left leg. This is nothing more than a camera trick. We know what you're smuggling!

If this were America's Next Top Model, Tyra would say she's giving us "editorial." We know that she's really giving us Silence of the Lambs, because she has her candy tucked between her thighs. She's about to say, "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me."

Now she needs a whole arm to keep the nubbin in place. Either that or it's hiding in the shadows. Damn, we thought she was way more hung than that.

Does that mean we don't get another glimpse at the hermaphrodite lady/man parts? Damn you, Gaga! You foiled us again!

• Radar has a WORLD WIDE EXCLUSIVE that Lindsay Lohan was dating the Heath Ledger when he died. The evidence comes from the umpteenth phone conversation that Michael Lohan secretly recorded with family members, then sold to the tabloid site, because he's just that nice of a guy. In it, Dina says, "She was dating Heath when he died.... I would drop her off and they were friends, very, very close, ok?" Leaving aside the very peculiar decision to drop one's chemically- and emotionally-troubled daughter off at a strange older man's home, does that even necessarily sound like dating? But then the conversation gets sad when Dina says she fears Lindsay will "do something like Heath Ledger did" some day. [Radar]
• 
  
• Dina fires back: Michael's betrayal of his family with the phone conversation sales is "unforgivable." Dina, who also regularly sells candid recordings of her children (albeit through lawyer-vetted contracts to reality TV producers) concluded: "My heart is breaking for my children." [E!]
• 
  
• Finally! Definitive evidence that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are wildly in love: A photograph of them holding hands on their way to the airport in Paris! But wait—what if they're just messing with us? There was an entire Gossip Girl plotline about a situation just like this, I think the lesson was something along the liens of "believe everything you see on TV," in which case: Confirmed! Edward and Bella are making babies. [PopSugar]
• 
  
• Even in death, Jacko knew how to spend. Court documents show Michael Jackson blew a milli on his burial, the L.A. Times reports, including $35,000 for the burial outfit (burned during his cremation) and $16,000 on flowers. Janet, the only Jackson with two pennies to rub together, fronted $49,000, a sum that is paltry only in comparison. [LAT]
  [TMZ]
• 
  
• Kate Gosselin respectfully objects to Jon's characterization, on their reality television show, that she must "pull the stick out" of her butt. Looking back, Kate now sees their relationship's doomed fate foretold in that single, sodomitic exhortation: "Perhaps [that] was a sign of things to come." I like to imagine she said it with a sigh. [Us]
• 
  
• Surprise of the year: America's Next Top Model judge and Tyra Banks' gay best friend Miss J. has a seven-year-old son. The mother is a "French lesbian" who had Miss J. and ex-boyfriend Alex jiz in a test tube. [Us]
• 
  
• Halloween star Danielle Harris' stalker is following her again, on Twitter, leading to an interesting quandary: Does that count? Creepster Christopher Small has a restraining order against him until 2012, but now were sort of curious, does following count as making contact? What about retweets? Christopher tweets things he likes about Danielle as "Stalkr-approved :)" which proves that 140 characters is enough to make an innocent female puke on the spot, and also that emoticon smileys can be really sinister in certain contexts. [TMZ]
• 
  
• This might explains why Josh Duhamel thought he could get away with cheating on Fergie: Apparently she didn't know the meaning of "cheating" until a licensed professional explained it her. "I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it's with girls," she explains in the same breath that she admits that she "also love[s] a well-endowed man." [P6]
• 
  
• Shanna Moakler called Khloe Kardashian a "donkey" on Wendy Williams' show, prompting one of Khloe's friends to call Shanna a "dirty whore." Khloe delivered the ultimate insult: "I have no idea who this girl is." If only we could say the same about both of them. [TMZ]

Today we watched Alexander on Tyra give a girl the courage to tell her mother that she is a lesbian. However, by being true to himself and successful for the unique brand of fashion and flair that he brings to the table, Miss J is helping kids come out of the closet every day. He has made a career of teaching people how to walk with their head held high, and that's just what he's doing for gay people, one flouncy step at a time.

Sure, he may only be a flamboyant fixture on a reality television program, but Miss J is bringing gay black street culture to audiences all over the globe and we owe him desperately for that. When little girls in Kansas are shaking their finger and calling something "Fierce," it's not because they've been to the Christopher Street Pier lately. Alexander never had to come out of the closet (like some silver-haired news anchors) because he was never in it. It wasn't easy for a tall sissy from the South Bronx—as he says in his new book Follow the Model—but he was never afraid to be himself and always had the strength to strut his crazy self out in public even when it might not have been the easiest thing to do. Check out his own silly coming out story in the video below.

Alexander won a Teen Choice Award earlier this year, showing that the kids who watch the show think he's great no matter who he sleeps with. But he's not only spreading acceptance among the show's young viewers and serving as a success story. While he may not be the most mainstream role model for young gay men and women, he is certainly one of the best. Coming out isn't easy for anyone, but for those who fit into more stereotypical gender roles, it can be a little bit easier. Miss J is here to stand up for the sissies and the queers and the freaks, and the people who can't hide behind a butch exterior or a little bit of lipstick and just pass as heterosexuals when it's easy or convenient. He is gay with a capital G, and he lets every natural born babygay at home know they're not alone and that they're better off for the special brand of outrageousness that they've been blessed with by their fairy godmother.

• Oh, it's on: Tilda Swinton has joined a fight against Donald Trump's latest golf course, which would be built on the Scottish coast and would displace residents. Trump's people responded by calling Swinton and other protesters "extremists." We imagine Swinton can get a bit more extreme than a petition. She looks sweet, but we see some crazy in those eyes. [AP]
  
  
• The ever-fecund Heidi Klum gave birth to her and husband Seal's fourth child, a girl named Lou. Klum's probably too exhausted to speak, so Seal released a statement wondering — and explaining — how he found even more love in his heart for the new tot. We could try to be cynical about this, but good golly, Seal and Klum just too darn adorable. [People]
  
  
• Carrie Underwood will host a two-hour holiday special that will feature Dolly Parton and David Cook. Because, you know, all the other recent variety shows have done so well. [Reuters]
  
  
• Remember when Tyra Banks told us all to kiss her fat ass and stop discussing her weight because she loved herself and all that? Well, now she's dropped four dress sizes. Body confidence must be out this season. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• In other weight-related "news:" Star magazine had an expert say that Tori Spelling's only 95 pounds, so Spelling tweeted that she's 107 pounds and the tabloid can weigh her if they want. The aforementioned expert, meanwhile, says that 5'5" Tori's still 13 pounds shy of "remotely healthy." These weight wars sure can be ugly, huh? [Star]
  
  
• Madonna's former trainer, Tracy Anderson, will have to defend herself against a $1 million lawsuit filed by an ex-boyfriend who swears she used her feminine wiles to put a curse on him and make him spend his money on her business. He also claims she made up big, fat whopping lies, like that she had been in Cats and was a Power Ranger, all easily verifiable facts. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul Anka will receive 50% of the publishing rights from Michael Jackson's new track, "This is It," because he helped write it. [TMZ]
  
  
• Joe Francis participated in last weekend's gay rights march in DC not because he wants to get good press, but because knows the pain of being dogged by the religious right and can therefore empathize with the same-sex crew. Um, really? [Page Six]
  
  
• Some say gay writer Gore Vidal's an anti-Semite, which explains why people such as former NYC mayor Ed Koch are furious he'll speak at the famously Jewish 92nd Street Y next week. Koch, who some say remains closeted, remarked, "Those who invited him are, as Jews, either most forgiving, or schmucks. The latter word is intended to cover masochists." [Page Six]
  
  
• Are you an Elvis fan with cash to burn? Well, you can bid on a lock of the singer's hair at an auction. It's expected to sell for at least $8,000. [Reuters]
  
  
• Can you believe it? A Los Angeles doorman didn't recognize Whitney Port and she had to wait in line for a half-hour until someone set him straight. Oh, the indignity! [Page Six]

However, in the high-stakes act-off between Tyra and Blake Lively, I think Tyra actually won. That's kind of like being the world's chastest hooker, but as long as you're not in last place, you're not fairing too shabby. Too bad there were plenty of people on the bottom last night as we saw everyone grabbing for a little bit of control. Except Dorota. She's got everything in check.

Dorota:
Power Play: Tells Blair that it's silly to mess with the Constance girls: +3, Can throw a hell of a slumber party: +2, Waters down the martinis: -1
Total: 4
Season to Date: 28
Power Position: Down

Georgina:
Power Play: Didn't make one appearance all episode: -20, Still manages to loom over everything ominously like an evil specter in heels: +5
Total: -15
Season to Date: 8
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Only Chuck Bass could pull off a white tux: +3
Personality Flaw: Excessive reference to himself in the third person: -2
Power Play: Is concerning himself with high school politics: -1
Quip: "What do you espect from a place where men wear sandals": +1
Sexual Intrigue: Let's Blair know that the best thing about her is that she is dating him: +2
Social Schemes: Convinces Jenny to grab the power: +2, His "bring Jenny to the premiere" gambit totally works: +3, The "hire the paps to photo Blair" gambit is also a rousing success: +2
Total: 10
Season to Date: 7
Power Position: Up

Dan:
Personality Flaw: His pop cultural stupidity pays off for a change: +1
Power Play: Only gets invited to the premiere because of stupid Vanessa: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Picks up a hot girl on the street: +2, Is too stupid to know that she is a big Hollywood star. Put down the Milan Kundera and pick up an Us Weekly, Dan: -2, Gets dumped by the star for being just too damn awesome: -1, Has his second fancy girlfriend without even trying: +4
Total: 2
Season to Date: 4
Power Position: Down

Blair:
Personality Flaw: Excessive reference to herself in the third person: -2
Power Play: Wanders into a He-Man lover's support group: -1, Won't go to a movie premiere because she's having a sleep over: -3, Still gets into the premiere when she deigns to go, and doesn't even need an invite: +1, "They don't care that I'm Blair Waldorf": +1 (consolation point), Gets her picture taken by the paps: +1, Chuck set it up: -2, Her confidence is back so watch out, world: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Chuck cares enough to scheme against her: +1
Social Schemes: Has to go back to Constance to feel powerful. Sad: -4, Unseats Jenny Humphrey as Queen with the wave of a wand: Even, Finally gets herself some NYU minions: +4
Total: -3
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Down

Olivia:
Fashion Points: Wears a fedora and a retro T-shirt in public during the day. She can afford a publicist, but doesn't have a stylist?: -2, No, she must not, because someone let her wear that dress to the premiere: -3
Personality Flaw: Has landed face down in the Gossip Girl swamp. She bumps into Dan twice, rooms with Vanessa, and sits next to Serena at lunch all in the same afternoon. What are the odds?!: -3, Her trying to be Kate and Olivia reminds us of Jem and Jerrica: +2, It also reminds us of how much Dan looks like Jerrica's boyfriend Rio, and that makes us laugh: +2
Power Play: The only friend she has to talk to is stupid Vanessa: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Let's Dan woo her: -1, Dumps Dan: +2, Goes back to Dan because he thinks she's "normal": Even (Dan is looking pretty good these days)
WTF: How is this girl famous, she can't even do a good German accent!: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -4
Power Position: Even

Nate:
Personality Flaw: He saw the fake Twilight movies Olivia starred in: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Where is his girlfriend?: -1
Social Schemes: Convinces Dan to go after famous Olivia, because he thinks it's funny that Dan doesn't know that she's Hilary Duff and, like, super famous: +2, That "Oh, man" face he made after Dan walks away was the best bit of acting that Chace Crawford has ever done: +1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -19
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Family Secrets: Tells Lily she's not going to Brown: +1 (for honesty), Tells Lily she's not going to Brown: -2 (for stupidity), Lies to Ursula to save her job: +1
Personality Flaw: Is so stupid that she can't even be a PR girl for a day. Isn't their jobs to sit in packs of five while one does all the work and the other four furiously check their Blackberries?: -3, Believes she got the job because "someone believes in her." Yeah right, someone believes in her like an amputee believes his arm is still there: -2
Power Play: Gets a glowing recommendation from Anna Wintour: +10, It still can't get her a job with Tory Burch, Marchesa, or the APF: -5, Finally gets a job: +1, It's in publicity. Ew: -4, Has a big movie star best friend: +2
Sexual Intrigue: What happened to Carter?: -1 (because we don't like him that much)
Social Schemes: Finds Ursula's ring: +1, Gets played by her new mean boss: -2, Somehow manages to know what she's talking about when she advises Ursula: +5, Still gets fired—and from being a PR girl: -4,
Total: -2
Season to Date: -19
Power Position: Even

Scott:
Family Secrets: You only told your secret last week, and already nearly everyone has forgotten about you: -2, Georgina knows your secret and she is going to fuck you up: -4
Sexual Intrigue: Vanessa still wants it: +1
Total: -5
Season to Date: -26
Power Position: Even

Rufus:
Family Secrets: Is he going to bother to tell Lily that their spawn had a stalker adoptive brother?: -2
Personality Flaw: Has not only forgotten about his gothy daughter, but also his new fake son: -3, He and his billionaire wife only seem capable of attending social events that revolve around the lives of 18 year olds: -3, Lily blames Serena's antics on Rufus' horrible parenting skills: -2
Power Play: Makes fun of Lily with Serena: +2, Helps Serena make bad decisions: -1,
Total: -9
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Now that you have a famous roommate the paps will be watching you, so no more wearing horrible hanky top things: -3, Or that dress you wore to the premiere: -1
Power Play: Gets a famous roommate: +2, Gets to take Dan to a fancy event for a change: +2, Her new famous roommate only has her to confide in: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Forgives crazy psycho Scott: -2, Then he goes and disses her to take a call from Georgina: -3
Total: -4
Season to Date: -41
Power Position: Up

Jenny:
Fashion Points: Says no to the ugly mirror-encrusted Lady Gaga reject headband of power: +2, Spawned a million raccoon-eyed dopplegangers: -3, Cute shoes at the premiere: +1
Personality Flaw: Thinks she can change the world. Oh, poor naive Jenny: -3, Lets her mute gay sidekick actually speak: -1
Power Play: Finally accepts that she is the new mean girl and gets her minions to buy her free yogurt: +4
Social Schemes: Disbands the mean girls: +2, They get Blair to unseat her: -3, Teams up with Chuck to get Blair: +1, Chuck's plot to get Blair wouldn't work without her: +1
Total: 1
Season to Date: -53
Power Position: Up

Lily:
Family Secrets: No one bothers to tell her about her child's fake evil brother that is really her devil spawn: -3
Fashion Points: She's back, and you can't even tell she had work done: +5, Is wearing a floral print metallic top just like Blair's from last episode. No good being one step behind: -1
Personality Flaw: Can not get Serena to go to Brown no matter what she does: -4, Doesn't even say hello to her mute gay son when she returns home from "visiting grandma": -3
Total: -6
Season to Date: -73
Power Position: Up

Ursula:
Fashion Points: Other than that mascara on her face, she doesn't look horrible crying in a bathroom and that is hard to pull off: +3
Personality Flaw: Trusts stupid Serena to do something other than pout, make bad decisions, and go to parties: -30, Goes through an entire episode of Gossip Girl without using the exposure to vainly attempted to make her neologism "smize" (you know, smile with your eyes) happen: -50
Power Play: Talks to Serena on the couch like she talks to the contestants on America's Next Top Model: +2, Gets the best work she's ever done cut from the movie: -4
Quip: "You know you have surrounded me with amateurs," you mean like the producers of GG did by hiring you to act, Tyra?: -3
Social Schemes: Figures out that her mean publicist is lying to her: +2, Gets Serena her job back: +5, It's still a PR job: -4
Bonus: Just for being crazy enough to try to act on Gossip Girl and letting everyone pick on you: +1
Total: -78
Season to Date: -78
Power Position: Down

• Tyra Banks sat down with Larry King last night and revealed her deepest, darkest secret: she likes being naked. Unless the lighting's bad. Then she goes on a Naomi-esque rampage. Also, she's not Oprah, although Tyra tells King he doesn't need to use her last name. [CNN]
  
  
• Paparazzi under attack! Two photographers claim Tom Brady and Gisele's security guards opened fire on them after they shot pictures of the super couple's post-wedding bash in March. Now they want $1 million. [NYDN]
  
  
• Director Mike Tollin, who has a football-centric documentary coming out on ESPN, argues that Donald Trump killed the short-lived, 80s-era United States Football League, of which his New Jersey Generals were a part, by having it compete with real football. Trump, naturally, dismissed Tollin's work as "third-rate." [Page Six]
  
  
• Big congrats to underrated couple Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr: they just welcomed their first child, a girl named Buffy. Psyche. the little bundle's being called Charlotte. [Us]
  
  
• Someone hired Alexandra Richards to DJ for three hours, but she left after nearly 40 minutes so that she could eat dinner with friends. Then, when the club refused to pay for the whole time, Richards charged by the minute. We know prostitutes that do that, too. [Page Six]
  
  
• Woody Harrelson became a vegan to fix his acne. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chloe Sevigny has found herself a new man: Jason Segel, who's on that show that also stars Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother. [Page Six]
  
  
• Howard K. Stern's in even more trouble over Anna Nicole Smith's death: prosecutors will reportedly five more felony charges against him for his alleged role in her descent into drug addiction and "pharmaceutical suicide." For the record, that's a total of 11 felony charges he's facing. [TMZ]
  
  
• Geri Halliwell wants the world to at least think there could be a Spice Girls reunion. Maybe to keep us all in line? [3am]
  
  
• The perpetually confused Mischa Barton was going to the opera the other night, saw a red carpet and just started walking it, then realized it was the Alice Tully Hall premiere of Michael Moore's new movie and then booked it to the opera's venue, a little place called the Metropolitan Opera House. Poor thing. [Page Six]

• Lindsay Lohan suffered some camel toe recently — and there are basically pornographic pictures depicting the suction-cupped nightmare. We would reprint them, but, honestly, it's too early and we don't want to ruin your day with images of her vaginal lips. [3am]
  
  
• There may be another victim in Perez Hilton and Demi Moore's mutually-harmful Twitter war: Tyra Banks. Apparently Hilton appears on the season premiere of the former model's talk show and promised to stop targeting minor celebrities — that is, celebrities until 18. Well, that episode was taped on August 18th, over two weeks before Hilton posted pictures of 15-year old Tallulah Willis showing off her nubile cleavage. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay's smackhead brother, Ronnie, just returned to Britain from an Indonesian jail, and he's sleeping on the streets. At least he has a swank haircut, though, right? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Lady Gaga made the absolutely shocking revelation that she used to blow huge amounts of cocaine while listening to The Cure. [HollyScoop]
  
  
• Plots in the mausoleum holding Michael Jackson's famed corpse have gone up about $3,000 in price. [TMZ]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson will soon hold a "tribute" concert for his brother, but fans shouldn't get too excited about promises — or even suggestions — of big names, for the devil's in the ticket's fine print: Jermaine Jackson and the producers will make every attempt to present some of the world's leading artists, however there is no right or legal claim whatsoever that certain artists will perform ‘The Tribute.'" Good grief, if that's the case, Jackson should say MJ himself will make an appearance. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Teen Vogue hired Gossip Girl Taylor Momsen to screech and thrash to promote this week's Fashion Night Out. [NY Post]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's tenuous hold on reality becomes even more clear with news that she eats McDonald's before hitting the gym. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Critics and movie-types are saying Mo'Nique, once known for her self-effacing fat jokes, should win an Oscar nomination for her turn in Precious. [NY Post]
  
  
• Ludacris gave away 20 cars to people who couldn't afford them. That's nice. [CNN]
  
  
• Either Rebecca Gayheart's pregnant with Eric Dane's child, or the couple are trying desperately to get new, non-nude tape press, for Dane was seen putting a "protective" hand on his wife's below at DJ AM's funeral. [NY Post]

This basically encapsulates all of the insanity that's included with your standard episode of Tyra: dangerously peppy enthusiasm blended with Banks' self-delusion that people would burst into song on cue, for her, and get naked, for her, in Union Square. Okay, it's missing the batty, pompous punditry that Tyra puts into every show, but maybe it's there in the subtext. I haven't played it backwards yet.

More offensive, however, is the notion that people could burst into song in Union Square without having their path crossed by a wayward, mediocre bad skateboarder, some kind of obscure protest (both in form and cause), or without busting ass and tripping all over, as Union Square is a great place to do. Then again, in the Suburb-sive shifting of Union Square—which, once a downtown scene, will soon include a Friday's—it kind of fits right in. Have at it, Tyra:

• Sarah Jessica Parker and her Sex and The City cast mates need extra security to protect them from hordes of fans. Said one witness, "At one point, teenage girls were practically trampling each other trying to get to Sarah Jessica as she was walking back to her trailer, but her security team was shoving everyone out of the way." Don't worry, though, SJP told her security detail to treat the deranged masses kindly. But not too kindly.[Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ashley Dupre, Eliot Spitzer's once-favorite prostitute, bit back at ladies who criticize her. According to Dupre, many women, not just hookers, use their feminine wiles to get bags, clothes and other lavish things. Some men do, too. [NY Post]
  
  
• Freddie Fackelmayer is allegedly Whitney Port's new love interest on The Hills, but they reality couple said nothing to one another during a recent outing to the Jane Hotel. One source couldn't be more pleased, because Fackelmayer's a "total mess." [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh, damn! Page Six has a follow-up to the NYDN's item about Alec Baldwin wanting to meet Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel. Says Baldwin, "I don't know her and wasn't looking to meet her, but somehow this ends up in the Daily News — manufacturing a nice gesture into a total BS item suggesting I want to date this woman. Nothing against her, but I'm not dating anyone." [Page Six]
  
  
• Ew. Jon Gosselin has been hanging out in Vegas, buying drinks for ladies and the ladies are returning the favor by giving him massages. And, we fear, more. [Page Six]
  
  
• In other Jon Gosselin news, the father of eight recorded his first interview and says hell demon wife Kate was mean and verbally abused him: "She'll call me like, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere." [NYDN]
  
  
• Former British PM Tony Blair will visit David Letterman's Late Show next week. Expect an explosion of self-deprecating humor. [Reuters]
  
  
• A former assistant for Tyra Banks is suing the mini-mogul for $5,820 in back wages. [TMZ]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will break her silence on Michael's death in an upcoming issue of Harper's Bazaar. [Page Six]
  
  
• Friends and family gathered in Los Angeles yesterday to lay the late DJ AM to rest. [Bauer-Griffin]
  
  
• Lisa Loeb (remember her?) has been impregnated by her husband, Roey Hershkovitz. [ET]
  
  
• Daniel Radcliffe refuses to go to parties populated by lowly B-list celebrities. It's only A-list for him. And rightfully so. [PTI]
  
  
• Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts is not leaving the band, so stop saying he is. [NME]

• Oh, god. A billion teenage brains are going to spontaneously combust today. Apparently, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are going to get married. Their union will be officiated by the Minister of Happy somewhere around Tomorrowland and they're going to ride off on a Monorail of Pleasure sometime after for their honeymoon, and teenagers all across the land will be miserably depressed. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy wrote a novel about uberflack Lizzie Grubman, and she said the book isn't about her. Especially the part where she plows into a bunch of people in the Hamptons with her SUV. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse wants to get back with Blake, the subject of all her songs, lawsuits, and various addictions. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• What's Robert Pattinson's life like living through right now? A bong? A strange prism through which all perceptions of normal proportions are heinously warped? A bunch of fans accosted him dressed as aliens the other day. Seriously. Now I feel bad for him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Pattinson's co-star, Kristen Stewart, is about as famous as the penny: everyone knows who she is, and could care less. Sad. That's what she gets for not being a vampire. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rexo preggers Nicole Richie and Ellen Pompeo are now homegirls! They need to think of a name for their duo; tragically, The Rexo Preggers Club didn't make the first cut. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does Paula Abdul want back in on American Idol? Maybe! And I would like to go back into my sensory deprivation tank! Or the womb! [TMZ]
  
  
• Stellar! Kevin Spacey just wrapped on Casino Jack, the new Jack Abramoff biopic. Apparently, the movie portrays Bush and Abramoff as chummy, and makes a real ass out of Tom DeLay by portraying him as a cigar-chomping Tammany Hall type. This ought to be good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Good to know: Alaskan man-meat Levi Johnston will pose nude "for the right price." At this point, I think it's safe to say he's just a tool of the Democratic Party. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Big-dicked movie star Jamie Foxx may have impregnated more women than previously assumed! He will try to blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol and it will not work. [NYDN]
  
  
• Alyssa Milano, after dating a long lineage of rock stars, movie stars, and baseball players, ended up getting married to an agent. Go figure. Remember when she was married to the lead singer of Remy Zero? Those were the days. [NYDN]
  
  
• New Gossip Girl character: Vanessa's mom! Whee. [EW]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson's looking for pricey new digs in Hollywood, i.e. apartments to the tune of $15M. Where's he getting his money? Come on, where do you think? Out of the pockets of his dead brother. Naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Why is Mariah Carey canceling events? Easy! Because Nick Cannon is broke. [People]
  
  
• TMZ thinks Britney spears copped her weave from Dog The Bounty Hunter. I laughed. Heartily. [TMZ]
  
  
• Brooklyn Foodies, beware: Tyra Banks is encroaching on your storied grounds with her financier boyfriend. So goes the item: they were at Peas and Pickles in Brooklyn Heights, and they had to have everything rung up at the register item-by-item. Lots of frozen dinners! And energy bars. It was paid for with a Black AmEx. The next time you scrape up enough nickels to hit up your corner bodega for a box of bootleg Parliament Lights, remember this. [Page Six]
  
  
• Martin Scorsese hasn't even started work on the new Sinatra movie, and Tina Sinatra is pissed at Marty's potential portrayal of her dad. She wants the movie to be about the music, and Scorsese's probably dreamed about making what should be the Goodfellas version of a musical biopic for years, now. Wonder who's gonna win out on this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• "I feel your love!" screamed Madonna as a bunch of Polish fans sung her happy birthday. She's 51! Jesus, Madge. 51, and you're still kicking around with Jesus and feeling the love of various foreigners and wearing that ridiculous kabbalah bracelet around. Here's my favorite bad Madonna video. Let's celebrate together!!1!! [NY Daily News]

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

• Tom Cruise tells the Beckhams how to raise their kids, supposedly. One of the sincerely funny parts of the just-released Funny People is a dick joke involving Tom Cruise, Will Smith, and David Beckham, and this makes that joke exponentially funnier! I'm sure someone will ruin it in the comments - probably me - but honestly, this justifies $7 of the $12 you'll have to pay to see Funny People (or whatever the proportional fraction is for being not being eye-gouged with ridiculous movies prices who live in places more reasonable than Gomorrah New York. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Jude Law's Babeh Mama Of The Month has a name for their new lovemunchkin, and it's going to be "Sophia" as in "I'mma Sophia Ass In Court, Moneybags!" [People]
  
  
• Tyra Banks is going to be on Gossip Girl because she loves to ruin things you love. [US]
  
  
• Emma Watson is related to a real witch, swears People! I want to know what editor at People was like, go through centuries of lineage of obscure witches and Harry Potter cast members and see if you can dig some shit up. Gold star for both of you, srsly. [People]
  
  
• Beyonce wants you to stop taking pictures of her ass, which America is crazy in love with. But who's stupid enough to take a picture of Jay-Z's wife's ass? Also, I heard a great story this week that apparently, Beyonce fucking loves to go to bars in New York incognito with Jay-Z to play Buck Hunter. I hope this is true because if so that's just great, and not because it's oh, Beyonce loves Buck Hunter, that's cute. No, it's awesome because you know they could just buy a Buck Hunter machine but instead they insist on going to bars and secretly getting a thrill out of it. How this item hasn't been reported before is beyond me? [Showbiz Spy and Me]
  
  
• Katy Perry and Rihanna are friends, now, and they've been hanging out in places like Barbados! And...the Meatpacking District! Meanwhile, some internet dork quietly prepares the inevitable "I Kissed An Umbrella" mashup. [Page Six]
  
  
• Leighton Meester's boyfriend, Sebastian Stan - who seems like a legitimately awesome guy, and believe this, is a great actor! Ask anyone who saw him on Broadway in the revival of Eric Bogosian's Talk Radio! Seriously. - talks about what it's like to watch her make out with Ed Westwick on the set of Gossip Girl, which is relatively kinky for People. [People]
  
  
• Heroes star Zach Qunito was questioned by cops twice while filming a skit for Funny or Die. The cops were lucky he didn't slice their brains open and take what little powers they have. [E!]
  
  
• Did you know E! has someone cooking up celebrity conspiracy theories? That's kind of sincerely great and something I wish I'd thought of first, but then again, it's only great if someone at E! is doing it. This week: what if Jon and Kate were all a lie? [E!]
  
  
• American Idol winner Kris Allen is subletting the fully-furnished Arkansas apartment he shared with his wife for $600 a month because they're going to be in Hollywood for a little bit. (1) They're subleasing, that's cute and (2) the fact that it's $600 a month, is like, okay, after you live in New York for so long you forget what rent in other parts of the world cost and then, for whatever reason, you see them, and think about what a ridiculous ass you are for paying $900 a month to live in what more or less amounts to a recycling bin (but one that's off of Avenue A!) and that you could do this job from Asheville, North Carolina so why not just do it from there? And then you remember that Asheville, charming as it is, doesn't have Shake Shack. And then you remember that you're willing to stand in line for an hour for a fucking cheeseburger and you should probably just order an Arsenic Shake the next time you're there. [TMZ]
  
  
• The Game - he's a rapper, heh - got into a fight at a funeral. I wonder if he's ever seen Shotgun Stories by Jeff Nichols. It's a great movie about two families from rural Arkansas (speaking of Arkansas!) and the wide divisions between them made more evident by an incident at a funeral of the two family's shared patriarch. It was directed by David Gordon Greene's film school colleague and made David Edelstein's Top 10 films last year and is quite fantastic and incredibly subtle, maybe the most subtle, poetic film I've seen in the last two years. Also, Michael Shannon is genius in it. Anyway. He probably hasn't. Anyway: TMZ helpfully points out that The Game is referred to in the lawsuit of his alleged funeral beatdown as someone who "fashions himself as some kind of rapper, gangster and/or celebrity," haha. [TMZ]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's shady doctor - who, when I wrote the item about him being a sketchball, a bunch of you shithead commenters were like, oh, he's not shady, how can you say he's shady only because he went bankrupt and has a bunch of liens on him in, like, six different states, we know nothing about him, and I was like, listen, people: game recognize game, and this dude is shady - was in dire financial straits and was being paid $150,000 a month by Jackson. The Daily News gets deep into Conrad Murray's financial issues, and yes, they are shady, which leads me to believe that you people that were trying to convince other people that this guy wasn't shady are all tax criminals and I've now recorded your IPs and sent them to the IRS, LOLZ JK. Oh, also, he invested in a Trinidadian energy drink called Pitbull, which is hysterical. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• Paris Hilton is back with Doug Reinhardt. [NY Daily News]
  
  
• I almost didn't read a Page Six item today entitled ASHTON KUTCHER WAS A BIG FAKE either because I figured, fuckit, I could write that one without even looking or secretly some part of me actually didn't care to know which element of Ashton Koosher's existence was fraudulent. But I read it because it's one of those strangely compelling "rainy day" Page Six items that bring philosophical elements of identity into question, like, okay, if Ashton Koosher Was A Big Fake, then what am I? What are you? What is in my cat's cat food bowl? I think Richard Johnson maybe secretly sometimes sits around his desk and thinks of subversive ways to fuck with the gossip-hunting people of the world who think way too far into it, like me. Anyway: it turns out he used to buy fake watches and fake Versace pants and fake Calvin Klein T-shirts to show his family how not broke phi broke he was when he first started out acting, even though he didn't have a place to live. Okay, well, the fake Versace pants thing is just funny, because, like, Versace is an indicator of success? Certainly not in taste, from what little I understand about fashion. And then you get to the bit about fake Calvin Klein T-shirts, and it's like, (A) really? How much is a real one? And (B) where do you go in L.A. to actually purchase fake Calvin Klien T-shirts? Can't you just get the real deal at T.J. Maxx or something? Don't they come 3 to a $50 pack? The guy who sells fake Calvin Klien T-shirts must be the shadiest dude in West Hollywood. Also, when did Ashton Kutcher start acting, the age of enlightenment? Jesus. [Page Six]
  
  
• J-Lo went to Rome and a bunch of people were like AHHHHHHHHH JAYYYYYY-LOOOOO YOUWEREAWESOMEINGIGLI!!!!!!!! And I guess it's like - I know, I know, obvious joke, but - When In Rome, act like people might've acted in 2001? Furthermore, the way Europeans freak out about American celebrities must mean the European celebrities absolutely suck. One thing America will always do right: produce a good movie star. Or at least assimilate one. Related: I once got conned by a smelly chain-smoking photo-opping mime outside of the Pantheon for four Euro. Fucking Rome. [TMZ]
  
  
• Things Chase Crawford apparently isn't afraid of: rain. Things that now make Page Six on a Saturday: celebrities who aren't afraid of rain. Now: I want the list of the ones who are. [Page Six]
  
  
• I'm not entirely sure what this D-Listed post entitled "NeNe Will Choke A Bitch" is about, but it sure sounds entertaining. [D-Listed]
  
  
• Finally, if you watch United States of Tara you know that "Buck" is the best character on the show. Well: Chasing Amy star Joey Lauren Adams ends up in a love affair with Buck in the next season. Fantastic! [EW]

His song "Every Girl" was an odd choice to close the show that was more of a tribute to Michael Jackson than an awards ceremony. Everyone had MJ on the brain, whether it was in their acceptance speeches or conveyed in their outfits. (Host Jamie Foxx wore a succession of Michael's most famous costumes.) Artists like Ne-Yo and Ciara sang Michael's songs, and Beyoncé performed "Ave Maria" and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" in memory of the King of Pop.

So it was weird that Lil Wayne—along with Drake and Young Money—didn't go the same route. However, it was more of an, "It's not right, but it's OK" kind of thing. Well, at least, it would've been, if he hadn't had a group of pre-teen girls dancing on stage. Take a look at the lyrics:

I like a long haired thick red bone
Open up her legs then filet Mignon that pussy
Ima get in and on that pussy
If she let me in Ima own that pussy
Gon' throw it back and bust it open like you posed' to
Girl I got that dope dick
Now come here let me dope you
You gon' be a dope fiend
Your friends should call you dopey
Tell em' keep my name out they mouth if they don't know me
Huh
But you can't call me tunecha
I'll fuck the whole group
Baby I'm a groupie
My sex game is stupid
My head is the dumbest
I promise
I should be hooked on phonics
haha

But anyway I think you're bionic
And I don't think you're beautiful
I think you're beyond it
And I just wanna get behind it
and watch you

(back it up and dump it back-
back it up and dump it back)

[CHORUS:]
Cause' we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And we like her too
And we like her
And she like us too

I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world
I wish I could fuck every girl in the world

[Drake:]
yea
alright
(ohh ohhh)
She be jumpin up and down
Tryna fit that ass in
Took her half an hour
Just to get that belt to fasten
All they want to talk about is partyin' and fashion
Every single night I have a dream that I am smashin
Them all
Young Money man this shit so timeless
And I'm in the mood to get faded so please bring your finest
And what are all your names again we drunk remind us
Are any y'all into girls like I am (lesbian)honest

She wants me she wants me
Cause' I got it all shawty tell me what you don't see
I will fuck with all y'all
All y'all are beautiful
I just cant pick one so you can never say I'm choosing hoes
And Wayne say pussy pussy pussy
And weed and alcohol seem to satisfy us all
Damn
And every time I think of staying with her
She bring that friend around that make a nigga reconsider man

CHORUS

[Jae Millz:]
I aint being disrespectful baby I'm just being Millz
And I don't know how fake feels so I gotta keep it real
I just wanna fuck every girl in the world
Every model every singer every actress every diva
Every high saddity chick every college girl every skeezer
Stripper and every desperate housewife that resemble eva
My role model was wilt
So married woman or milf
It don't matter who you is miss
You can get the business
Haaaa

[Gudda Gudda:]
These hoes is gods gift like Christmas
I like em caramel skin long hair thick ass
And I swear I'm feelin all y'all
I'm scrollin down my call log
And Ima call all y'all
My butter pecan Puerto Rican
She screamin out papi every time a nigga deep in
And I'm about to get my Bill Clinton on
And Hilary can Ride em' too boy I gets my pimpin on

[Mack Maine:]
And bitch Im Mack Maine -aine -aine -aine
Sanaa Lathan
Meagan Good
Angelina Jolie
Hah
D Woods
For free suites Id give Paris Hilton all-nighters
In about 3 years, holla at me Miley Cyrus
I don't discriminate, no not at all

The girls may have been family friends, or huge fans of his that he allowed on stage. I'm sure there was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on with that (there had to be!), but it was not exactly the best way to "celebrate" a man so closely associated with inappropriate relationships with children during the last two decades of his life.

But maybe Weezy was just robo tripping. That's his thing. It certainly seemed like that was the case at the opening of the show.

Oh, and what's up with Jamie Foxx hating Tyra? His looked like he wanted to puke when she hugged him.

More baffling was Tyra's weave/wig. It was waxy and weird and totally uncharacteristic of her. I think somebody needs a MAKEOVERRRRRRRRR!!!!

Beyoncé was working some different looks. She had Dynasty-sized shoulder pads:

And, mid-performance, changed into a bridal outfit:

It looked like one of those food protection tents:

While her performance was a tribute to MJ, her shoes were a tribute to Stevie Wonder's hair.

Best jewelry of the night goes to T-Pain.

Worst comeback of the night goes to all of New Edition, but specifically, Bah-bay:

Johnston finally admitted, after Banks pressed him for the millionth time, that he and Palin sometimes fooled around without using birth control prior to Palin's unplanned pregnancy.

Other enertaining moments included a prediction from Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin's grandchild, that he will have to sue the former Republican vice presidential nominee's daughter for the right to visit his child more frequently.

Johnston also discussed how unhappy Sarah Palin was to receive word that her family would forever be joined with the "white trash" Johnstons via the miracle of teen pregnancy, thus ruining Palin's shot at being seen as the Republican Party's leading intellectual voice and arbiter of cultural refinement.

And that's just the Levi Johnston madness, all condensed into the clip above. Below, find samples of Johnston family insanity, including mother Sherry Johnston explaining that if she gets a picture of her grandchild, she promises not to sell it to the tabloids, for meth.

Given that Sarah Palin is one of the few obvious, plausible Republican candidates for president in 2012, MoveOn or some other Democratic 527 is probably splicing the choicest Tyra bits into an attack ad right now. Tagline: "Sarah Palin '12: Bring Wasilla's Family Feud to the White House."